Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ask KayKi!

"How Do I Move On?"

Kayki, I love reading your blog! I wish you would post more often, but I really do enjoy reading it. I think you give sound advice also. I read your Ask Kayki reply about being in love with a friend and I thought that maybe you can help me. Id like to remain anonymous PLEASE! I wont write a long email, but basically, Ive been seeing someone for 2 years. We have a child together and I feel in my heart that I love him. Unfortunately I dont feel that he loves me the same way. He sees other women, and I know for sure that he sees his other babymama. My heart is crushed everytime I think about it.I have been here for him, whenever he needed me. Im at my witts end. I dont know what to do. Everytime I think Im strong enough to leave him alone, he comes knocking and I always let him in because I love him and I want him to be in my son's life. Im not asking you what I need to do, I have known that for a long time. I need your advice as to how to let go of something I feel so strongly about. Im in tears as I type this, please help. Thank you!
** Dear BabyKayk,

First thanks mama for the compliment. I do actually try to post at least once a day..but the past couple of weeks have been crazy! I'll do better. Ok, I signed up for this right? lol.. I know what this feels like. No, I dont have any children with anyone (Im sure that brings about a whole other element of feelings) but I DO know what it feels like to love and have to let go. I'll try to make this as short as possible,but this is urgent & may take some time! Sweetie, please make sure you check your email for the personal response that I sent to you. What I want everybody reading this to know is that love in itself is a force from God. Some little piece of heaven that He allows us to feel. There is no hurt in love itself. It is a power in itself. When we fight it, or try to live w/ the appearance of it instead of what it really is, thats when we hurt.

You can love him and not be with him. You are a better person for embracing the love that God has given you for someone else,even if they reject it. Take this advice to heart, it is from the heart. To begin with... you are made by God with care. Which means, you are absolutely beautifully and wonderfully made be careful to never ever forget that. You are in a situation where it seems to me that that fact is being overlooked not only by him but by you also. Its ok to do for people because you love them, but when doing for them means reducing your own self worth to nothing..its unhealthy. You're beautiful and just as you got with him, God has someone else who will appreciate and care for you as you have him, so I wanted to encourage you before I give you my steps. I know you probably feel so low because you've stayed around as long as you have, but thats ok..we're moving forward! Here is what I think you should do.

A. Understand your worth-Rebuild your esteem! Sometimes we can allow ourselves to be used SO much that we forget how valuable, and beautiful we are. I would encourage you to take some time to look at yourself in the mirror (literally) and understand the things about you that you dont like and that you do. Relearn yourself. What makes you happy? If you can afford to treat yourself in some small way do so. How you truly feel about yourself is always evident in the way you allow other people to treat you! Take some time to sit and think about all of the great things about you and if you cant find anything...I have one.. YOU HAVE A HEART OF GOLD! I can tell from reading this that you are a selfless person. Im sure you are a great mother as well. Take some quiet time to yourself to just breathe and say thank you to you! Build your self esteem up!!!!

B. SHUT the cookie shop DOWN! Oh Lord! I cant stress this enough! This is the most obvious/most ignored part of ending a relationship by women. Sex can bring about a strong bond between two people, and in a woman's mind it can mean a lot more than a physical interaction. Honey..you have to close the shop- and KEEP it closed. Im sure it wont be easy, but you have to make up in your mind that you are WORTH more than what you can sexually give to him. He's probably telling/doing to you the same things he's telling/doing to his other bm. SMH Girl LET that GO! This step follows point A because once you get point A down- this will be a piece of cake!

C. Let your closest friends/fam know you're letting go! When you are in a long term relationship with someone-especially when children are involved, your friends/family usually have energy invested in that relationship as well. Negative or positive, they usually feel some kinda way about it and usually share it when they can. It is so important to let them all know that you are moving on! That means all of the little comments/discussions on their part should stop. The only time he should be brought up is if/when you bring him up. Demand that from people. I know from my own experiences..it took my friends/fam forever to realize I wasnt playing and all of the " Well thats my son/brother" "How is he" comments/questions had to stop. You cant move forward if you're being dragged back by the people closest to you.

D. Dont expect him to bow out easily! Self explanatory. He wont give it up...he'll try everything he can to keep getting it in with you. A lot of times men feel a slight sense of ownership in a woman they've been messing with for a while, but you have to let this guy know that you're not playing! Tell him that you need to end this as it is, and that you both can still be great parents to your son. The part about you trying to keep him in his son's life is pointLESS. A man is a man...if he isnt he's a boy. Him being a good father should never be contingent upon your relationship...and vice versa. It is his responsibility regardless of whats happening between you two. Be prepared for the things he may say...but hold your ground. This is NOT about him..its been about him for all of this time and he's failed to acknowledge it, so now its about YOU and whats best for YOU! And at this time- it is not him!

E.Give it time! Take it from KayKi, YOU WILL HURT! OMG! I can remember nights I went to bed in tears, praying and asking God to change my heart quickly...instead it took 5 yrs. Im not saying it will take that long for you, but thats my story. Now that Im on the other side of the pain, I understand that it was necessary. Always allow yourself to feel your emotions. When you need to cry, scream, be still..do so..feel it. Allow your heart to go through the motions of healing as you would any other place of hurt on your body. Alcohol burns sores and time w/ a broken heart burns the soul...BUT they both help to heal! You will be ok. You will be a lot stronger and happier in the end. Dont call yourself moving on so quickly only to be covering up how you really feel...that will hurt you in the end. Remember you cant ever control how you feel...but you can control what you do with those feelings.

F.Keep people around you who know where youre going & will remind you of that! As I said earlier your friends/fam play an intricate role in you moving on. During this time you may have to distance yourself from some of them, but thats ok. Find those who understand your hearts plight and ask them to keep you on track. Keep you moving forward. Now, from experience I can tell you that there will be times where you will get into it with these peopl, because you'll become weak in your journey and they will feel the need to keep you on track. Listen to them...they are only doing whats best.

G.Ok, last one..Keep God's view of you always! This brings it full circle from the first point..God sees you in a special way. Sometimes its hard to let go of what feels good. Things can feel SO good for a moment and thats usually enough for women to hold on to hell for a lifetime. God created you and He loves you. You are ALREADY enough for someone. You are ALREADY beautiful and worth being appreciated... thats how God sees you...and throughout this process you will have to remind yourself of that often. God has a GREAT plan for your life... trust it.


1 comment:

  1. I really liked this kakyi. Thank you for sharin it because I dont go this far back on your blog but this is good stuff!